it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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