So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
