My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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