I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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