I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
