I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
