John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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