I haven't been this sober since birth.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
