if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
