i already hear my dad disowning me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
