My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
