I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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