Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
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