..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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