happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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