Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I lost the right to judge tonight
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
