i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
