I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
