New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
