Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize