What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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