my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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