just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
