He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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