party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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