I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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