return my video game
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
