it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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