are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
