I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
