I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
vagina is talking i cant
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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