did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
