Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
