Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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