I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
