I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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