Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
