the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
