How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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