she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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