I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
