Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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