so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
