Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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