I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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