That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
