Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
