I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You are a genius and a whore.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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