One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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