I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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