JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
