if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
