It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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