this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
