his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize