my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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