i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
