I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
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