I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
