my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
