Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
