fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
