Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
