you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
