you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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