I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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