It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
